Dreams

My dreams are really weird, I'm sure everyone has strange ones. I can think of a few experiences that were really unique, though.

One of them was I think in 2006, I think. I was dreaming about being at my grandma's house, and one of the childhood friends I haven't seen in ages would NOT let me go somewhere, I don't remember. But I made a huge fuss about it, and eventually I was crying on the stairs. Then I took control of the dream. I sat up straight, said out loud, "This is ridiculous," and I decided to change things. But just like in Inception, it was my first time controlling my dream. Everything turned blue, and the dream collapsed. Then it was dark, but I could see the outline of my room, but it was black and white. I blinked, and then I was awake. It was so weird. A short while later, I had the same kind of thing happen. In the dream, I was being kidnapped by nutcracker soldiers in the summer version of The Nutcracker ballet. And then again, I thought I would control the dream. Then everything turned blue, then white, then black, then a blink and I was awake. Weird.

Then there's the stress dreams. There's two kinds. One kind is immediate stress that makes me sleepwalk sometimes, or there's the kind that occurs three weeks after the event I was stressing about in the dream actually happened. Instances:

I was going to leave home for a week for the first time in ninth grade. The night before, I sleep-walked to the stairs during my dream of not being able to pack enough things for the trip. I woke up at the top, and I thought to myself, oh it must be time to leave. So I went downstairs, ate breakfast, and sat on the couch for half an hour, fully awake, waiting for my mom to wake me up and drive me. And then I realized it was 2:30 in the morning. So I went back to bed, fitfully.

Then, the only one I can think of right now, I had to give a talk in my church, and I really don't have a problem with public speaking. I actually enjoy talking in front of people in that setting. But for some reason, three weeks after I gave the talk, I had the worst stress dream ever about it. Like, one of the leaders was rioting and hitting everyone with a chain, and I kept interrupting because I forgot something in my talk, and then I took up the next person's time and she was really sad about it. So weird.

So my dreams are strange. I'm sure I have a couple of reoccurring ones, but can't think of them right now.

Embarrassment

This is a really embarrassing story for me... just thought I would practice sharing. It is kind of long, I suppose, but it makes me laugh everytime I think about it. And also shudder. Gross. Here we go!

I went to a color guard competition back in May. Or April. You get it. Color guard is the flag-twirling, rifle-wielding, sabre-spinning sport that combines dance with props. Like rhythmic gymnastics, but in a more group-friendly setting. They usually perform with the marching band to bring color to the whole show.

So we were at the state competition, and I have to sit by myself a little bit while the rest of my friends that I came with performed. After they got their scores, we traded sides of the stage, facing the back of the performances, towards the judges. So we were basically seeing the entire competition backwards.

I was sitting next to my friend, and a girl that I kind of felt bad for sat behind me. I felt bad for her because, well you know the socially awkward people? She was like that. She blurted out things that were somewhat relevant, but also offensive, she had her dad do her hair instead of one of the other girls, and I could see that she could be insecure. But I shrugged all that off and tried to be her friend.

As the competition wore on, the girl kept being really friendly. Like, really friendly. Somewhat awkward friendly, you know? Since she sat behind me, she liked to hug my throat from behind. I honestly didn't think much of it and tried not to keep cool and pretend that I wasn't in the least bit uncomfortable.

Then when the competition was over, the girls were finishing up gathering the equipment when one of my friends came over and took me aside and said, "(Name redacted. Me :) ), she's bi."

My mother recently went through a hard time where she found out that she was bi-polar. My life was entirely involved with the whole social spectrum of bi-polarness, so I assumed that she was saying the girl was bi-polar. Yeah. Blissfully ignorant little me.

So I said, "Yeah, my mom is too!" getting an awful weird look from the friend.

We went out to the car we came in, and the friend that told me began telling the other friends in our group. The girl had, while they were changing and sorting equipment, told my friend that she was bi. The girls seemed immediately disgusted and promptly began freaking out. You can see my confusion. Bipolar isn't something that is disgusting.

So I thought more. Bi?

OH.
BI.

Hold up--I don't have anything against people with a sexuality different than mine. I think do whatever you want, make choices you want to make, be who you want to be. Civility, respect, traditional values that show common courtesy to everyone. But I had no idea that I was, ignorantly, not saying no to her advances by not saying something. I know it's okay to not want to be flirted with if I don't want to be.

I instantly said, thinking back to the awkward hugs that really were awkward, "She was flirting with me?!"

The friends burst into laughter. I was weirded out too, and tried not to think too much about it as we finished out the night.

Embarrassing? Yeah...

Description on the Weather

Today I can wear pajamas a tad before dinner and sprawl out on the lawn, crisp from a recent clipping, the sunlight greening each blade. I can turn over onto my back and close my eyes against the brilliant sun, then wait a minute as billowing shade fumbles in the way, then I can open my eyes and I can see my sky with cleansed eyes. If I keep my eyes particularly still, the secret movement of the clouds is revealed, and I can watch them morph into new things. If I come back inside and look out into the street, families are strolling in summer clothes appropriate for fun, and they are unaffected by how much the windless air feels exactly like their skin. They don't remember where their own skin begins or ends. It just is. I can wait until my eyes dry up into prunes but I will not see a leaf twitch. Clouds gather around the sun and hog its light, distilling the colors into a cooler tone that promises autumn, but is still very much summer. But it will yield soon, I know it will.

Courage

Courage is something that, in myself, surprises me all the time.

I cannot do heights. I might have touched on it in the last post...(can't remember) but it is really, really difficult for me to climb ladders or willingly go somewhere high int he air with a lot of space to fall down from.

As a child, I was also terrified to ask an adult for help. Like asking for directions to the bathroom, or where a book was in the library, there wasn't an easy way to get me to ask.

I guess I passed that on to my brothers. Whenever my mother would ask us to do something, but both me and my brothers were terrified to do it, the fear evaporated. Confidence condensated. Because I saw that no one else could do what needed to be done, I knew that I could step up.

I think that applies to superheroes too. I've studied the hero's journey plot in books, and it's the same thing. They are usually very reluctant to become the hero, to gain the superpower, to accept that they are in another world. They are afraid and for the life of them do NOT want to save the village from the rage dragon that is chomping on all the damsels in distress. But something changes when they realize that they are the only ones that can, or they need to because there isn't anyone else. They step forward, they become willing, and although they usually aren't rewarded for their heroics immediately, it comes.

Courage is setting aside the fear when you realize that you need to do something. It takes charge, it evaporates the fear like a puddle frying in the sun.

Fear

I want to talk about overcoming fear, or outgrowing a childhood fear.

Mine was always bees. Terrified, screaming and shrieking from the general vicinity whenever I heard the ominous buzzing near me. Although I've never been stung or even close, I could never trust the little creatures that wore jumpsuits made for bug prison. And I mean, what the heck? They can fly even though their wings aren't meant to let them? WTH MAN?!

That was the opinion that I used when I forced people to protect me from them.

Sometimes, I've found that I don't have the fears I do when I attempt something. Like, for the longest time when I was a kid I would NOT take medicine. Pills, liquid, this gir--I mean person would rather have let the sickness ride out than swallow. And then, ten years later, my mom got me some meds for strep or what have you, and she was cautious to say that they were...pills. I told her I was fine to take them (to my surprise) and I took them, no problem. No transition between I can do small pills not big pills, no freaking about gel caps, everything was fine. Swallow. Easy, suddenly.

So when I went camping over the labor day weekend, I realized that I wasn't terrified of bees anymore. In fact, I found that they are cute! Okay, not puppy adorable, but I think the way they use their legs is just really cute. I know. I also like the smell of skunk and I don't like the letter O. This person has got her pack of crazy at Costco.

I wanted a bee to land near me so that I could see them closer, so that they would stop looking like a haze so I could just see them as they were. Then they were brush off their head with their arms like my dog does sometimes when I brush my hair on his face. Cute. When I heard the "ominous buzzing," I wasn't scared. I looked around and tried to see where it would land. Of course, when they got up in my face I would swipe them away because they weren't being civil. That's perfectly fine to do.

Sometimes you just outgrow a fear, like an allergy or a pair of jeans. It sheds off like skin. Don't be closed off to things because you had been afraid or hated them as a kid. Realize that you change, and you mold differently as you experience things. Fears become beautiful, and beautiful things turn into fears. 

Except for the fear of spiders. That will never change.